For a long time I did not know what was wrong. I honestly thought I was just really tired.
I would come home from college and just go to sleep for two hours. Then I would easily go off to bed at 10pm to get another 8 hours sleep.
I just wanted to sleep all the time.
It took me a while to realise that I wanted to sleep because I hated myself.
The only way I could be away from myself was by sleeping.
I once explained this to my friend by telling her to imagine being in a room with someone you can’t stand, you just find them to be so annoying and unpleasant. But imagine you can’t leave that room, because that person is you.
I finally broke down one evening and told my mum and dad. I told them that I felt sad more than I ever felt happy and I wanted to sleep to escape from myself.
I tried to go to college the next day but started crying on the bus.
So I went to the doctor.
Rather entertainingly it was a day for training medical students.
This was a GP in a fairly boring suburban town in South England. This fresh faced girl invited me into the room and my regular doctor asked if it was okay if she took the issue and videotaped the session.
So I immediately break down and start crying about how much my life has fallen apart and I feel dead inside and she looks at me like a tiny horrified deer in headlights. All she can think to ask is if I have ever thought about killing myself (not a suggestion – I’m assuming she was checking to see if she was going to have to section me).
So my regular doctor then takes this moment to jump on in and declare this an unsuitable consultation for the student doctor.
But my regular doctor was lovely about it – as have been most doctors I have seen on the matter. Sometimes they are a bit awkward but doctors generally are, they are super genius weirdos after all. I have been to the bottom of the barrel and now I am built back up to my borderline arrogant obnoxious self.
Now 7 years later I still have regular battles with my anxiety, but I have accepted it. It will be with me now wherever I go. And the main thing is that I have rescued my self esteem from its jaws – for the most part.
All I can really suggest is to go to the doctor as soon as you can – and do not shy away from counselling or medication – both have helped me in ginormous ways.
Thank you so much to Ernie for contributing this amazing post, if you would like to know more about her and where to find her then just click here
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